Tiger Woods Swings and Misses With Scripted Apology

Tiger Woods is the best golfer on Planet Earth. I am one of the worst. So unlike Tiger, I know what it's like to swing at a golf ball and completely miss it.

After his public apology on Friday, Tiger now knows what it's like to completely swing and miss -- at least metaphorically. May he learn and grow from the experience like the rest of us.

I've been resisting writing because, hey, what else is there to say? Every single pundit who gets paid to share their opinion has already done so, covering all the possible bases, and for those of us who do it for free -- hey, we have lives over here.

But before the "historic" moment passes, I wanted to pass along a few thoughts:

• First of all, why 'swing and miss?' Because if he was going to go to the trouble of giving a public apology, he should have been willing to take questions. I train people to take questions for a living, and believe me, it's not that hard to get ready. If Tiger can learn how to use a sand wedge, he can practice taking hostile questions. Be a man fer chrissake, Tiger.


• Also why swing and miss? Because the whole thing sounded like a guy trying to save his corporate bacon. Jeez Tiger, you're in your 30s and already a multi-gazillion-aire. Do you really need more sponsors and commercials? What if he had said, "I don't need another sponsor in my life. From now on, my foundation is my sponsor. So there. I'm going to be myself."


• If you want to read the best dissection of the speech, go here -- Bill Simmons on ESPN.com.


• I thought he sounded like the script was written by his therapists, and that he hadn't been outside that cocoon in weeks. He sounded brainwashed, and like a dried-out alcoholic who "has seen the light" and now thinks that promising to follow the straight-and-narrow is the same as actually doing it. Believe me, Tiger, you WILL be tempted to screw gorgeous women who aren't your wife again. I wouldn't make any blanket promises if I were you.


• And on the last point: exactly who was hurt by Tiger's sexual excesses? Not the wife, who knew his history before she married him and will now live free from want the rest of her life. Not the kids: they're way too young, they're kids of a celebrity, they'll get over it. Not the sponsors, not the babes, not his mom (he's a grown man, mom), not his dad (sorry, he's dead and can't feel anything).


• Really, only the PGA tour and his fellow golfers (whose sport is less interesting when he's not playing) are truly damaged in this, and that's the one group still getting screwed (sorry, no pun intended) because Tiger indicated he wasn't done self-flaggalating so he won't be playing golf anytime soon. i don't feel the least bit sorry for them, but if you're looking for victims, they are in fact right at the top of the list (sorry, I don't think the wife was a victim. Naive, yes. But a victim, uh, no).